It has not gone unnoticed by my 34-year-old self and various members of my aging family at social gatherings that I am single. I am quite comfortable with this status, for the time being at least, but do sometimes ponder the question as to why. Fortunately yesterday I needed not waste anymore of my lonely and solitary time trying to figure out the conundrum because an anonymous blog benefactor decided to step forward and solve the mystery for me.
According to ‘anon’ contributor it is because “You leave no space for men to ever be right, you want men to be modern and old fashioned at the same time, the best of both worlds….”
Fair point, and spot on, men are never right.
She continues -
‘ Princesses like you give the rest of us a bad rep ‘Stuck up Bitch ‘ wouldn’t be too far from the truth, I think. I hope you enjoy cooking for one for the rest of your life……..’ Building to a furious and dramatic finale of ‘……you’re going to be old, alone and hate your life’
Holy Moly! And there’s me thinking it was because I don’t like men in skinny jeans! So there it is, old, alone, hateful, (but a princess that can cook – not all bad news then) and all because I haven’t got a boyfriend.
Far be it for me to disregard the opinions of someone who has taken the time to comment on my blog, I re-read the comments and pondered my predicted bleak and loveless future and consequentially decided to investigated the subject further.
Where best to start than ‘The Rules’ a most current and up-to-date list of instructions. Essential reading, I am told, for all modern women in their quest for marital bliss.
Some examples if you will.
- Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
So far so bad. The expression ‘falling at the first hurdle’ comes to mind. I do talk. A great deal. I interrupt men when they are mid sentence with things I deem more interesting than what they are saying, I often talk about ex boyfriends, sex, and sex with ex-boyfriends. I talk about boob jobs and botox and politics and wearing fur and what men do wrong, shitty relationships, getting drunk, smoking fags and nearly getting off with a close relative once ( I save that gem for the ones i really like)
I also have these strange things in my head called eyes, which unfortunately mean I tend to look at my date too. Things can only get better…
- Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday.
….. Or when the moon is full on the thirteenth day of Aquarius and the crimson tide washes 12 blind elves onto the shore; I’m pushing 35 and recently plucked a pubic hair out of my knee, trust me when I say if I get asked on a date by a hot man on Thursday, I’m going to take it.
- Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day.
Sadly if this was a steadfast rule that all women stuck to I fear that 87% of the female population would be single. Luckily for me it has been a while since I have been in a relationship long enough to cover both valentines and my birthday and I can discount this rule as non-applicable. The last birthday present I had from a boyfriend was a pair of golfing shoes (I’ve never picked up a golf club in my life but he had 3 nights at Gleneagles booked and needed a caddy, does that count?)
- No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date.
Does it matter where?
- Don't Rush into Sex, Wait at Least Three Dates.
Believe me when I say if we get to the 3rd date, my knickers are off quicker than you can say sod dinner i've only got an hour, have you seen the price of babysitters these days.
- Let Him Take the Lead.
(And call you a naughty little tart, oh yes I like that rule!….. or am I missing the point?)
- Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him.
Utterly ridiculous suggestion. Of course men must change. They are totally flawed and it is a woman’s duty to try, as best she can, to rectify the problem. No, camper shoes, Joop aftershave, sleeping in the same bed as your dog, drinking WKD and crying in public are not OK. I would no sooner let a heinous crime such as attempting to use the toilet whilst I am in the bathroom slide, than I would allow you to snuggle on my shoulder in the cinema. My most favourite pastime to date is changing men and then dumping them as soon as they have lost all sense of identity and self-respect, and something I will not be swapping for a knitting club at the WI.
- Accentuate the Positive.
Ok now you’re talking my language. I enjoy nothing more than a 3-hour conversation about my strengths, talents, brilliant mind and witty personality. Pass pass pass.
- Don't Date a Married Man
-Unless you can totally dislocate yourself from any emotional attachment, have no history of mental illness in your family and are prepared for the eventuality that he will never leave his wife for a brazen slut like yourself. In which case knock yourself out it’s a ball.
- Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think its Nuts.
Because trust me they will and you are.
- Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.
This rule I love. It takes 'The Rules' into a whole new dimension of masonic-like proportions. Not only must you never speak, stare, call, laugh, kiss or disclose any personal details about yourself what so ever. But you must also not tell ANYONE who has your best interests at heart or wants to help your fragile little mind about your master plan.
The beauty of this rule is the presumption that everyone reading the book is in therapy. Do the maths.
- Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
LOOK INTO MY EYES AND REPEAT AFTER ME.. I AM HAPPY, I AM LOVED, I AM HAPPY, I AM LO….
And finally –
- Be Easy to Live With.
But of course. Conversation, physical contact, and warmth are totally over-rated. How foolish of me to hold them in such high regard.
So ‘anon’ thank you for the trigger, and following my investigation I can only agree with your most astute and accurate predictions for my future. Sadly it is true, thanks to my love of fun, company, conversation, sex and chemistry, my inability to not pick the phone up or not accept a date that’s on the 5th Tuesday of the 7th Pentecostal full moon month, I am indeed set to have a life sat alone with but my cat and my regrets to keep me warm at night.
And as a show of appreciation for the pearls of wisdom handed to me by 'anon' may i offer some advice in return..... go and get yourself laid once in a while my dear, trust me, it does wonders for the soul.