Friday, 11 January 2013

How to be a Slut.


I consider myself to be a fairly well rounded individual, I pride myself on my sense of humour, loyalty and breathtaking constitution for wine. However, life as it is, I am not totally perfect, shocking I know, dear reader, but, yes, I have faults. 

Last night I recognised one such fault, when attending my friend's birthday party. That being, my inability to commit to challenges set for myself, or better put, my inability to resist temptation. I started January with every intention of remaining dry for the month, and although I was doubtful from day one at the success of this mission, I made sure that all thoughts of any such dryness were well and truly put to the back of my mind and managed to drink approximately 3 bottles of wine within the space of 2 hours. I had suggested, on a December day with a hangover I hazard, to my significant other that we ‘enjoyed’ a healthy beginning of the year and spent our time together ‘enjoying’ physical activities, an evening swim for example, or a day at the gym. He, as far as I am aware, has stuck to his promise, I, not so much. A date on a treadmill is a nice idea but then so is redecorating my flat and cleaning my car. I am very good at ideas. 

So it would seem that, despite it being a new year, there are certain habits I will struggle to break. I will always drink wine, have 2 year old copies of Grazia under my bed and drive a car so rancid even my 4 year old child is reluctant to get in it. Clean cars and sobriety are not my priorities. 

I am what some would refer to as a slut. 

Yes people I am indeed ‘a woman of loose morals, untidy and slovenly.’ 

And thank God for that. 

Because here’s the thing. Women of this world fall into two categories. Sluts (see above) and non-sluts. A non-slut is a woman who prides herself on her immaculate appearance, exercises regularly and eats a balanced dairy/sugar/wheat free diet. She does not drink to excess and knows her limits in all areas of life. This woman does not smoke, dislikes bad language and has clean guest towels and White Company hand soap. She does not have chipped nails (ever) and has her car fully valeted monthly. She enjoys hosting dinner parties for close friends and doesn’t ‘get’ pubs. She has never had a one night stand and married her 3rd boyfriend. 

Non-slut icons include Gwyneth Paltrow, Anne Hathaway and Anthea Turner.
They make excellent girlfriends and will not embarrass you in front of your parents, or call you a lying cunt when they have had too much to drink and, in a paranoid rage, have convinced themselves that you have slept with their best friend.

The slut, however will. 

Examples of a slut include, Helena Bonham Carter, Catherine Zeta Jones, Katie Price, Lindsay Lohan and of course, the ever imperfect, yet impeccably irresistible Kate Moss, queen of the sluts. 

The slightly unhinged variety of women. Those who, despite the financial capability to appear well turned out, never quite manage to do so. A true slut, has limited rational and very little resistance to temptation. If there is a cake she will eat it, a fag she will smoke it, a drink she will guzzle it and a cock, most likely sit on it. She will choose fun over everything ... including house tidying, nail painting, car cleaning, organic quinoa salad making and exercise bike riding. She says cunt regularly and lost her virginity at 14 ... in a threesome. She washes with fairy liquid when there's nothing else available and shaves her bikini line when she hasn’t got time for a wax. She swallows, and likes it. 

She will forget to put her knickers back on after she has fucked you (really fucked you) and not bother with a new pair for the rest of the day. 
She will not make your bed, shower after sex, know how to cook or come top of your list of potential new wives. 

Being a slut has nothing to do with looks, a slut will not necessarily be beautiful, thin or classically attractive in the slightest, but she will be a slut, which, you will find in time, will most likely make up for all physical short falls. 

It is also not something that can be bought or acquired with lessons, it is an attribute you are either born with or you are not. 

Indeed, there is little point in fighting it. My advice, to women? Love the slut you’re in ... and next time your boyfriend complains about the mess, ask him what he’d rather, clean towels or a show stopping blow job. 

There is a reason why dull women have tidy homes ... 

15 comments:

  1. Hah! I love this!
    I am definitely in the slut camp!
    *refills glass and ignores washing up while reading blogs and checking twitter*
    Brilliant piece :D
    Lily xxx

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    1. Thanks love, and glad you enjoyed it! Glad to hear i'm not alone ... ; )

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  3. This is so full of brilliance! I miss your writing. When are you coming back to the Urban Dater?

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  4. OMG! This piece is so very quotable - absolutely love 'clean cars and sobriety are not my priorities'. Please can I have that as my new motto? I was ashamed of my slut tendencies, and therefore I have kept them hidden as best I can - my downstairs and my bedroom are lovely and tidy. The rest of the house... well, I have a boxroom whose door cannot shut for crap. If only it did, I would have a whole room of 'Monica's cupboard'. But now I feel empowered to revel in my slutness. I even feel sorry for non-sluts! YAY for going to the pub when you could have the hoover out! Though how you can regard nail-painting as 'not fun' completely eludes me... :-)

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    1. lol, a woman after my own heart, I found the minute i started to embrace my inner slut the far easier life became, welcome to the dark side!

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  5. I think you have Holly Willouhby wrong you know, I think she is a MASSIVE slut. As am I, obviously. Takes one to know one, after all.

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    1. Interesting! Ok will change her to Anthea Turner lol

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  6. Hahaha... 'Dull women have tidy homes' - I shall forever be able to justify it now, excuse is fixed. Thank you Katy, thank you. Excellent post once again

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    1. My pleasure darling! it's true ... life's too short to scrub floors ; )

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  7. Love it, love it, love it! Not read your blog for a while, but so glad I revisited it on this particular post! You can guess which camp I belong to!

    Drunken Slut Mum x

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    1. But of course! move over Kate Moss, you even have it in your name, I crown you ...

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  9. Hi Katy. Love, love, love this piece. It annoys me greatly when a partner washes BEFORE and AFTER sex!! Damn I hate that. Give me a slightly messy disorganised woman over an OCD uptight one anyday.

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