Friday, 2 August 2013

Breaking News.


So, Simon Cowell is to become a father. I’m not sure which is more shocking, that the pot of gold hasn’t been dipped into before now or that the TV mogul might have actually have had sexual intercourse with a woman to achieve it. He is denying all involvement, because clearly ‘Red or Black’ wasn’t a strong enough demonstration on his thoughts on the intelligence of the general public, either that, or he has a highly creative PR team. After all, when the fiancee you've spent 6 days of the year with and have never been seen having any physical contact with in public didn’t fool em' why not throw in a baby. Nothing like a pregnancy rumour to ‘straighten’ you out. 

Blatant homosexuality aside, and for the sake of argument, let’s say that Cowell has had sex with someone who might actual carry the capacity to fall pregnant, my interest in the story does not lie in the fact that Cowell has cheated on his ‘fiancee’ or slept with his best friend's wife, but that, once again, a high profile man is shocked to find that inserting his penis into a woman's vagina without any form of protection might actually lead to more than just an orgasm. 

A source close to the star has said it has “taken him by surprise.”

The shock! the horror! the mystery! Sex makes babies!

Now, considering that a clearly otherwise intelligent man who has managed to single handedly create one of the world's highest grossing TV shows in history, is apparently left utterly bewildered by the fact that having sex can get a woman pregnant, it should come as no great shock to find that a world, largely run by men, is on it’s knees. The female more deadlier than the male ... weapons of mass destruction? try a vagina. 

He’s not the first man to fall at the first fanny either this week, only a few days previously an unnamed rock star, i.e. Liam Gallagher, has allegedly fathered a child from a one night stand. His response? ... ‘What girl? I haven’t read any stories’ followed by a 4 day bender in Ibiza. Nice. 

Shag, deny, shag, deny. And headlines it still makes.

Interestingly, when researching the subject, on why men cheat, David Buss, Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas explains to us that -

 "It’s very simple for men to reproduce (one act of sex versus nine months of pregnancy for women) so to create as many offspring as possible they’re biologically programmed to mate with many women ... the “payoff” in reproductive currencies is children” 

No shit, Sherlock. 

Actually I would argue, and I’m sure Simon would agree, that possibly, men who cheat are thinking less about the long term contribution to the world population and more about unloading in the nearest available vagina, best friend's wife or otherwise. leading to two possible outcomes - 

a) A fairly pricey bar bill and a blinding orgasm.

b) A small infant , a statement of denial, a lengthy court case and a significant dent in a multi-million pound bank balance. 

Less X factor and more up shit creek factor one could say. 

The brilliance of both situation, and, indeed, many before them, and no doubt countless to follow is that all the proceeding mess/heartache/destruction is quite easily avoided with a £2.99 packet of condoms from a nearby vending machine.  People cheat, always have and always will, but my advice on the subject, and yes I’m talking to you, multi millionaire celebrity known throughout the world,  next time you fuck around behind your wife’s back, with the partner of a man you’ve known for 20 years, or a self proclaimed Oasis super fan journalist, for Christ’s sake Johnny up. 

Money can’t buy you love ... condoms or silencing orders it would seem.
3 packets of Malboro Lights demanded in his changing room before each X factor show? Suck em' in deep Simon, you're going to need those babies.

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