Friday, 6 September 2013

It's Not You, It's Me.


Last night I enjoyed a very pleasant evening with my boyfriend in a Central London eatery. He booked the venue as a surprise, which was a thoughtful gesture, and the evening turned out to be an enjoyable one. I had, however, been to the restaurant before, to which I told him. Not only had I been to the restaurant before, I had sat at that very same table with a previous partner. The last time I had been there I had sat at that very same table with a previous partner and ended a 9 month relationship halfway through the main course. (I made sure the wine was finished). 
Dumped over Dim Sum, as it were. 

Naturally, I shared this information with my beloved and this, in turn, lead us to have a lengthy conversation about ending relationships. Is there ever a right way? Should I really have ordered the black cod knowing I was about to call time on the partnership? Is sex ever a good idea 30 minutes after you’ve dumped someone? Ahem, I digress. 

As way of investigating the subject I referred to Google for some information and the general consensus, it appears, is that the best way to call time on a relationship is to do it face to face. 

I have mixed feelings about this subject, and maintain that the way in which one ends a relationship depends very much on the length of time one has spent with that person. Why, I would no sooner sit someone down, whom I had slept with twice, and explain why I thought the relationship had no future as I would end a 10 year marriage with a text, both, being inappropriate given their contexts. 

In a bid to help anyone thinking of moving on to pastures greener/younger/ thinner/better in bed I have drawn up a rough guide of fair and suitable ways in which to leave a lover. 

1 week. 
Stone silence will suffice in this case. Let’s not kid ourselves, you sleep with a guy and he doesn’t call? He hasn’t lost his phone or unexpectedly died he just doesn’t want to see you again. No explanation needed, work it out, Sherlock. (This method works particularly well for those, who like myself, prefer to avoid confrontation. It will inevitably leave the other person involved feeling angry, confused and totally shit about themselves but hey, you avoid an awkward conversation, so all good there). 

1 month. 
Depending on how much of an arsehole you are the above remains, simples. Head, sand, job done. Otherwise, a short text is fair. Failing that there is always social media. Should you have been foolish enough to add them to your cyber world, unfriending your new partner or updating your status to ‘in a relationship’ (with somebody else) should do the trick. 

3/6 months. 
A phone call is ample. Useful phrases include - 'It’s not you it’s me, you deserve better and I’ll never make you happy.'  Hungover? Tired? Busy? see above.

1 year +. 
Face to face is, according to numerous American relationship websites, the only way to dignify a relationship breakup at this stage. Sit your partner down, be calm, be rational, explain how you feel you are on different paths but that you have a great deal of respect for them and wish them a happy future with someone who’ll fulfill their needs better than you can, get drunk together and farewell fuck. OK, so I added the last bit but hey, anything to soften the blow, right.


If all else fails having sexual intercourse with a relative/close friend of your partner is always a good one to fall back on. Probably the easiest and most efficient way of loosing a lover and ensuring you’ll have absolutely no contact with them ever again in your life. 
Mature, respectful, sober conversations with someone you’ve just shared your life with for 4 years? Tsk ... you, guys. 

4 comments:

  1. Shagging their best friends is a sure fire way of them not returning to you! *makes mental note*

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    1. Yes, pretty fail safe i'd say!

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  2. I've only ever been the dumper once, and I basically was so mean to him the last few days that he eventually asked me if I wanted to break up with him... very clever of me!

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    1. haha, yes that's always an option!

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