Monday, 14 October 2013

Bore Off.

I was chatting to a friend yesterday. She is a fun girl with plenty of interests, a successful career and a great social life. She has been in a relationship for a number of years with a man who, by her own words, is ‘a really decent bloke’. They moved in together and, after courting for 3 years are at the point of ‘do we, don’t we?’. To wed or not to wed, so to speak. And, although there are no diamond rings as yet, hints have been dropped. The problem is, again, to quote her directly, she’s ‘bored as fuck and stuck in a rut’.
The positive is she can see the problem and convey it in a direct way, leaving no room for doubt about her current emotional position. The bad news is, well that she’s bored as fuck and stuck in a rut. 

What to do? 

Now had this been ten years ago, or would I be speaking to a rosy cheeked, perky breasted 23 year old I would advice, in no uncertain terms, that she cut off the excess baggage and continue with her rosy cheeked perky breasted life solo. However, the woman before me is the wrong side of 35 (just) and slightly more fearful of the shelf than one might be with the glow of youth about their person. 

So with this in mind, my advice was slightly more considered. Relationships get boring, there’s no doubt. And when the honeymoon period is over, the date nights less frequent and the humdrum of everyday life more prevalent there is no doubting that it's harder to stoke the fires of excitement. 

In a bid to address her quandary I looked on various websites, offering advice on the subject. 
Solutions included weekly date nights, the introduction of shared hobbies, taking up a sport with your partner, changing your routine or adding an element of surprise to the relationship “why not surprise her with flowers one night, or cook his favourite meal when he’s least expecting it, and serve him up a candle lit dinner".

Nonsense, the lot of it. 

Trust me, it’s going to take more than a Nigella roast to sweeten this relationship up. 

Women don't want to start playing Babminton, for crying out loud, and men don't want hot baths and homemade food ... they want sex!

You want to surprise your boyfriend and add some spice into the relationship? Anal sex my friend, works every time! 
and Likewise, just because you live with a woman doesn’t mean she’s part of the furniture, she can leave if she wishes, without your consent, at any time. Be good to her, fancy her, fuck her for God’s sake!

Of course flowers and romcoms are fun, but deep rooted, the key to maintaining, nay regaining a healthy relationship (that goes beyond a friendship) is not to book the Odeon on a Wednesday night but to start shagging again, loose the ‘he’s my best friend' bit and find the 'God, I cant wait to fuck him' feeling. The thing that will keep a relationship alive above anything else, is remembering to fuck each other. That is to say, be your lover's lover and not their best friend. 

And once you’ve done that, go out. Not with them. Go out with friends, do your own thing, create an environment away from them, redesign yourself as an object of desire, become a catch again.  

Date nights and conversations? yes, they help but really it's a good blow job or some mind blowing cunnilingus that's going to fix the problem a lot quicker. 

Actions speak louder than words and oral sex is far more conducive to a long and fruitful relationship than boating on the Serpentine. 

Failing that you could surprise your partner with a hot air balloon ride over the home counties, yep. Good luck with that one. 


  1. brilliant!!! Now to take your advice!!